We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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