You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Alive.
So much puke
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
