My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
