Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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