I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
did i just pee glitter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
