Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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