I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
