i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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