Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
