I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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