I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize