At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
