Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am one with the molecules
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize