just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Come see our sink grown plant.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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