Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize