I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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