i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
