im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize