You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
