he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
