Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
