Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
