I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
