i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize