Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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