i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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