I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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