I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
