I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
