I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
