I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize