It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
