This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
