we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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