There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
