He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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