I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
