Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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