i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
