I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
