im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
