So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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