I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
