yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
