i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
