i was rollin on her like bob the builder
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
