I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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