The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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