hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wear drunk well.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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