I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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