so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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