you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
there is glitter all over my balls
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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