You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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