The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
