i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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