i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
