Who did Billy Mays play for?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
