I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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