I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
