Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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