Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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