guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
