so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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