after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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