i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
