Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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