why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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