I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
