Quick, to the slutcave!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
two words...techno handjob
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
