You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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