Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
