SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
