I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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